Lessons Learned

I’ve struggled the last couple of days with my emotions.  I have to say, that’s the first time since early in December.  I stop short of calling it depression.  I know how my depression makes me feel so low that I have no hope.  I had hope yesterday and the day before.  I honestly think I was just stressing about circumstances.

Stress can really take it out of a person.  I got myself so worked up over a meeting that I cried…that I couldn’t stop crying.  And as you might have guessed, the meeting went off without a hitch.  I spoke my piece; I listened to all responses.  And I ultimately felt better for having done so.  So why did I let myself get all worked up to the point where I cried and felt scared?

The short answer is, “I don’t know.  I honestly have no idea.”  You’d think I’d know better by now, how to incorporate the tips and tricks Robin has taught me and use them in my everyday life.  Take a step back.  Take a deep breath or two.  Look at the big picture.  Go to my happy place if I need to.  See, feel, hear those familiar and comfortable sounds.  Center myself strong.  And pray.

But we’re talking about my job here.  It’s important to me.  Not only do I want to stay employed, I want to stay employed in the job I’m currently holding.  And I want to do it well.  I enjoy it.  But sometimes I don’t feel smart enough to do it.  I wanted everyone to know that I’m doing my best and I want to continue doing my best, knowing that my best will only get better as time goes on.  I was only concerned that maybe they weren’t willing to wait for me to get better, that maybe my best wasn’t good enough at this point in time.

But that’s not the case.  They’re happy with me.  They said as much.  So I need to NOT let my emotions get the best of me.  I need to continue to focus on what I’m doing, doing the best I can for them.  And I need to continue to take care of myself by eating right, getting enough sleep, taking my meds, and praying.

I can do my part.  I WILL do my part.  No more forgetting my morning meds over the weekends.  No more skipping lunch.  No more staying up late to watch a football game and still expecting myself to get up at 5am for work.  And it’s time to get more physical and watch what I eat.  I can effect change in my mental health.  I’m worth it.  It’s time to prove that.

Ten Years

Although I've been inconsistent sometimes... Although I've simply copied and pasted sometimes... Although some of my blog posts are only seven words long... I've been blogging to Scripted Notions for ten years.  Actually, it'll be ten years next month.  But I thought that was something to be celebrated.  So celebrate with me as we take a look back at what the heck I've been talking about!


In 2008, I was complaining about an all-day headache.  I was also practicing inconsistent parenting.  I was very frustrated that day.  You can read all about it here.


In 2009, I didn't actually post on the 26th, but around that time I was complaining about being tired, sleeping my weekend away, and being a lazy bum.  You can read about that here.


In 2010, I didn't post on the 26th.  In fact, I only had one post during the entire month of August and it was my Mary Kay I-Story.  We all came up with a story that expressed why we chose to do Mary Kay.  I published mine on my blog.  I no longer do Mary Kay, but you can read about it here.


In 2011, I didn't post on the 26th, but that month, I thought I was in love.  Let me tell you this about that... I totally made up that relationship in my head.  I wanted to be in love, but I was the only one.  You can see that post here.


In 2012, it was a Sunday and I was posting about one of the readings I'd heard at mass that weekend.  So in this post, you'll read Joshua 24, Decide today whom you will serve.


In 2013, I didn't post on the 26th.  But around that time is when I decided to go gray.  I haven't colored my hair since then... and probably never will again.  See that post here.


In 2014, I didn't post on the 26th, but I was all about posting psalms at that time.  So you can read that here.


In 2015, I didn't post on the 26th, but I was rejoicing about being depression free for three months in a row.  You can read about that here.


This year, I've been depression free for over eight months.  I have a new job that I've been doing for about three months now and I'm really enjoying it.  It's very challenging, but good.  Really good, in fact.  Callan is three, sweet and smart and such a joy to be around.  Xavier is five months, growing like a week, and learning to say mama.  I just bought a new car and I'm rereading all of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels.  Life is good.  Life is very good in my world right now.

The Fog Is Lifting

I'm happy to proclaim, the fog is lifting.  I'm still recovering, but I'm doing much-much better than I was Friday through Monday.  I called in sick Monday, but I've been working ever since.  In fact, I've been in front of a classroom.  And thankfully that has gone well.  It's been good to keep my mind off what I'm feeling and actually focus on something more productive.

It took me a week, but I finally got a hold of my counselor.  I think I have a bad phone number for his office in Evansville and apparently they don't check their messages in Washington as often as I'd like.  But by the grace of God, I was able to talk to him on the phone Tuesday.  Whereas I was mad as hell at him before the phone call, feeling ignored and abandoned, I felt oh-so-much-better after speaking with him for just ten minutes.  My meds have been refilled and I have a counseling session scheduled for Saturday in Evansville.

Good news on my meds too.  Instead of costing me the usual $1,070, they were only $508.  What a blessing.  So the week is turning out immensely better than it started.  Praise the Lord!

I hate it that I didn't make it four months depression-free.  But I'm ready to start my next stretch depression-free.  Here's hoping I can go another three months and 29 days.

Overcast - Chance of Rain

So I was on vacation last week.  I didn't necessarily have anything specific to do or anywhere exciting to go.  I just knew I'd been working long days and thought a break would do me good.  I felt I'd earned it.

And I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I slept in a lot.  I read a whole book in five days.  I did some housework that I'd been wanting to get done.  I spent a couple of days in Evansville with a few family members.  I even ate an amazing Italian lunch at Biaggi's.  I wouldn't have changed a thing.  It was lovely!

But I was truly hoping to completely refresh and renew my frame of mind in coming back to the office.  My plan was to have a whole new outlook and attitude with respect to work.

The fact is, I'm not at all dealing well with the dichotomy between what I hoped for and reality.  I've been so frustrated and angry these last two days that I could cry.  I've seriously been on the brink of tears several times.

It's not that anything at work is any worse than it's ever been.  I'm more saddened by my inability to deal with things better.  Moreover, I was hoping to OVERCOME the feelings of frustration.  I mean, I'd just come off vacation for heaven's sake.  I should have a whole new energy to side step the petty little things (and not so petty things) that bothered me before.  But I don't have that energy.  I'm not overcoming anything.  I'm obviously worked up.

You want to know something else?  (I'm assuming you said yes to that question.)  I've had an issue lately with my heart rate being really high.  When I went to give blood on the 13th of August, I was turned away because my initial heart rate was at 118 beats per minute and it only went down to 104 beats per minute after a ten minute focus on relaxing.  I've since been keeping track of my blood pressure and heart rate.  The lowest my heart rate has been in the last two weeks is 88, but it's averaged 102.

Since my depression has been so much better, I'm wondering if my mind, body, and soul are simply dealing with stress in a different way.  No more depressive episodes, but an over-worked heart.

I should also add that I take a medication for high blood pressure.  I've had an elevated BP a few times, but mostly it's good.  Strangely, the higher my BP is, the better my heart rate is.  (Or maybe that's not strange to someone who knows what that means.  But it was strange to me.  I expected them both to be bad equally.)

Anyway, so my weather/mood today is overcast with a chance of rain.  But I'm pretty sure I'm causing my own adverse weather (see picture above).  Here's hoping for sunshinier days ahead.

By the way, I was able to successfully give blood this past Friday, the 28th.  My heart rate was only 96 beats per minute.  So I got that in for the quarter.

I like coconut frosting.

I've had a relatively bad day.  Sure it could have been a lot worse.  But heck, I was only going to the office for four hours and then running a few errands.  It should have been a GREAT day.  So what the heck happened?!

I spent all day Monday working on this data analysis project.  To be honest, I've spent WEEKS working on this data analysis project.  Hours upon hours!  But this was to be the last day (or so I thought) that I'd be dealing with this data analysis project.  I was scheduled to teach ERP Tuesday through Thursday.  But my data analysis project bled over into my ERP training time.  Shocker!  My fellow instructor hates it when things like that happen and they seem to happen every time I'm scheduled to teach.  And he makes me feel bad for it every time, like it's my fault that I'm over-extended at work.  But that's not my point.  My point is, I worked 12 hours Monday and ten hours both Tuesday and Wednesday.  I worked exactly eight hours on Thursday.  And the plan was to go into work for four hours today to finish a few things that I wanted to clear from my desk that I didn't get the chance to do all week.

First, I had several classes to add to the Master Schedule.  It's not important what that is, but it is important that I needed an NMCI PC to get it done.  I have one sitting on my desk now... but for whatever reason, it won't allow me to update the Master Schedule.  I tried all kinds of things to make it work.  Still no luck.  Very frustrating.  I swear I must have rebooted that thing a dozen times.

So I stuck with processing course evaluations.  It's a boring way to spend four hours in the office, but it has to get done and no one does them but me.  So I did them.  They're done now.  All seven of them.  "Yea, me," she says with mock enthusiasm.

I expected my short, but productive day to feel good.  It didn't.  I was frustrated and bordering on angry all morning.  I couldn't wait to get out of there and get on with my personal errands that were sure to improve my day.

So I drove the interstate to Washington, listening to contemporary Christian music that I could sing along with.  I had plans to deposit my check, make a payment on my dwindling medical bills, get my hair cut, and get another gel manicure.  Lucky for me, my stops to the Credit Union and the Hospital went as planned.  But that's where the joy ended.  I don't like my haircut; it's too short and spiky.  And I don't like my manicure; she got polish on my fingers and it's not all that shiny and even.  What a waste of time and money.  But it doesn't stop there!  I went through the drive-thru at Long John Silvers to grab lunch.  And wouldn't you know it, as I was pulling out of their parking lot, I spilled the entire box of food onto the floorboard of my car.  What the heck was that all about?

I'm telling you, I couldn't wait to get home and just surround myself with bubble wrap and something lovely in my oil infuser.

And then I saw it.  The last piece of coconut cake.  Actually, I think it might be a white cake, but it had coconut frosting.  I ate it!  And I loved it!  I didn't drop it.  I didn't get any on me.  It didn't make me sick.  None of those things.  It was just lovely.  The absolute best part of my day!

Twister

I've been doing mostly better the last few weeks.  I was finding that for about 24 hours after talking with my counselor for an hour, I was pretty emotional.  I figure I was still processing some of the topics we discussed.  The last two weeks, I've noticed that I have a really flat, anti-social, blah Sunday followed by a really bad Monday in the office.  I chalked it up to things being stressful at work and not wanting to deal with all that.

But today I went in to work with a list of things I wanted to accomplish, knowing that things should be fairly quiet as only two of the five of us would be in the office.  Things started out just fine.  But by 10:30, I totally crashed.  Totally.  I couldn't stay another minute.  I couldn't deal with another person.  I can honestly say, I was ready to quit.  QUIT MY JOB!  Some little voice in my head was telling me what a bad idea THAT was.  So I knew I needed to get out of there before I did or said something I couldn't take back.

Now I'm home.  I cried it out.  I got something to eat.  And now I'm ready to get back to work.  All by myself.  In my living room.  I'm going to put in a movie I've seen a million times, just for some background noise.  I'm going to charge my Blackberry, in case someone needs to get in touch with me.  And I'm going to process three surveys and type up a good description of our Vendor Selection tool, including references from the FAR.

PTO

Today I got an email from HR. They want me to project how much PTO (personal time off) I will use in November and December. Things have been pretty (FREAKIN') busy this entire calendar year. And I know that isn't expected to change in the next couple/few months. So, my first thought was, PTO?! Are you kidding me?!

I ran a report of all of my time cards since the beginning of the calendar year. I've taken PTO five times for a total of 47 hours since January 1st. I earn 120 hours a year and I only took 47 of them in the last ten months. And most of those were for medical reasons.

Apparently there were three days in March where I was sick. So, that was 27 hours (because of my 9 hour day). I charged 3.5 hours to PTO for my colonoscopy late in March. I know I had the whole day off, but apparently I had already worked enough hours that I only needed 3.5 hours in order to hit 80 for that pay period. I charged 5 hours to PTO on a Monday in April. My calendar shows 'out tired'. I charged 2.5 hours to PTO in June for Relay for life. And I charged 9 hours to PTO in August...depressed.

I even took a whole day off earlier this month for my dad's surgery. But I'd put in so many hours already, I didn't need to charge any PTO.

So I'm thinking, the chances of me actually taking a whole week off is somewhere between unlikely and 'what the heck are you thinking?'

I projected 40 hours...just in case. Then I checked out my calendar.

I normally work a 9 hour day and get every other Friday off. So I could potentially be off every other Friday for that. Plus, Veterans' Day is a Friday. I'll have Thanksgiving and the Friday after that off. Short weeks throughout November!  I love the thought of that!

So, if I take a vacation, it'll be in December. Again, I should have every other Friday off. Christmas is on a Sunday, so it'll be observed on a Monday. I'm thinking about taking off the week between Christmas and New Years. Then I'll be off work from Saturday the 24th until Tuesday the 3rd!
Now, let's see if I can get that approved.

The Good, the Bad, and the [sigh]

I know it's only the 3rd day of the 2nd month of the year. But thus far, it's left a lot to be desired. In an effort to try to balance the positive with the negative, I must concede that there are three events that I can name off the top of my head that I am absolutely thrilled about.

One, the benefit that I helped organize in January was a HUGE success.

Two, the Colts are playing in the Super Bowl! They can even win it!!!

Three, I'm going on my first cruise ever in 21 days.

But the litany of things I'd change if I had the power?

- the phone calls on the very first day of the year. (Trust me, you don't want to know.)

- finding out the return on investment for Jeff's first semester of college was ZERO!

- anticipating a second court summons in five months. Yep, Jeff again.

- getting tagged for jury duty...for the year!

- having to change employers...even though I am completely satisfied with my current one.

- not sleeping well throughout January...probably because of all the work and stress that comes with organizing a benefit.

- the slow leak in my right rear tire that I haven't had the chance to get repaired...forcing me to stop by the gas station once a week to air it up. (Okay, I have the power to change this one, but I just haven't taken the time to do it yet.)

And did I mention that I will only be an SAIC employee for another two weeks? I am just SO BUMMED by that one. I LOVE being an SAIC employee. It's almost like a death or a divorce. I have been with SAIC longer than any other employer except the Air Force. I have learned so much about taking ownership of my work and my role in the big picture. I will truly miss working for Tom Root and SAIC. [sigh]

Workin' for the Weekend

I know it's been some time, nearly a week, since I last blogged. But I've been a busy girl. And when I'm not busy, I'm tired. And when I'm not busy or tired, I still can't blog because I'm having phone line issues at my house. (So, if you're my FB friend, that's why my crops are withered and my fish are dead.)

I work in the Comptroller Department. And we're coming up on the end of our fiscal year. You'd be amazed by how many numbers out there that need to balance. So, I've worked the last three Saturday's. (Lucky me, I've been off every Sunday.) And it's not like I'm working 18-hour days or anything. But I'm not getting to sleep in. And anyone who knows me, knows how much I love to sleep in on my weekends. Well, by working Saturday's and going to church Sunday mornings, I'm not getting to sleep in EVER. And I am REALLY missing it!

Tomorrow is officially the last day of the fiscal year. I've heard a couple of people talk about bringing in more comfortable clothes for the later hours of the evening/night. I asked my boss how late she wanted/needed me to stay. The message I understood in her reply was, 'Be flexible.' So, I honestly don't know how late I'll be working tomorrow. I could be out of here by dark. Or I could be here until midnight. No way to know at this point.

I also asked what our schedule would be like for the first week of October. Again, no specific guidance there. Could be normal days, could be long days. This is my first year in the Comptroller Department, so I have no idea. And those that have some experience with this time of year in this department, aren't willing to put in their bets. Suffice it to say, I have no idea how many hours I'm working this week.

That's okay with me though. Except for being ready to jump into my MK business with abandon and singing at mass this Sunday morning, I don't have much going on in my world.

...except that I need to get my phone fixed. Jeff noticed last weekend when he was home that our phone didn't have a dial tone. I rarely use that phone, so I didn't even notice. It's a cheap wal-mart phone; I figured it had just hit the end of its life-cycle. I planned to get a new cheap wal-mart phone the next time I headed that way (which will be well after this fiscal year scheduling is in the past). Then I didn't think about it again...until I had no internet this past weekend. It crossed my mind that perhaps my 'phone' issue is really a 'phone line' issue.

So, this is what I have to do. I need to take my phone outside and plug it into this little gray box that's hanging off the side of my house. If I have service there, that means the problem is INSIDE the house and MY problem to solve. We're hoping that's NOT the case. If I DON'T have service there, that means the problem is OUTSIDE the house and Verizon will look into it. BUT the little gray box that's hanging off the side of my house requires a 3/8" socket so that I can remove the bolt that serves as a lock, protecting the phone jack inside. I thought for sure I had such a tool, but nothing I had fit. So, I'll address it again tonight.

Again...let's pray together now...we do NOT want to have phone service from the little gray box hanging off the side of my house so that Verizon can come out and work their magic, making both my phone and my lovely internet connection functional again. THANKS!

Tired Baby Girl

I was so excited that nearly every morning when I woke up last week, I felt rested. It's been awhile since I've felt that good that many mornings in a row.

Well...THAT has come to an abrupt end! Today, I am a tired baby girl.

I know I stayed up too late watching the Giants beat the Cowboys. And unfortunately, I intend to watch football again tonight. The COLTS' one and only Monday Night Football game AND the two-hour premier of "House". Why on earth did those two events have to be scheduled on the same night?! Last night, I tossed and turned so much, I pulled the sheets off my bed. I don't remember having any traumatic dreams. But for some reason, my body just wasn't restful. I hope that changes for tonight.

Jeff was home for the weekend. I didn't see him much, but I'm sure he was there. We went to dinner Friday night at Los Bravos. Just like old times. We sat and talked for about half an hour after we'd stopped eating. Then he went to the volleyball game and I went home to veg out. He got home after I'd gone to bed. Saturday, I worked all day and then went to an Emmaus Candlelight. Jeff slept until noon and then hung out with friends until well after I was in bed. Sunday, I sang at mass with the choir while Jeff slept in. We did spend the afternoon together...at my parents'. We had dinner with them before Jeff headed back to school. So, we shared a couple of meals. He seems to be doing well. And I think he enjoyed his weekend home.

It's September 21st. That means we have less than ten days of the fiscal year left to get everything ready for the next fiscal year. So far, so good. I've been able to keep up with everything that's been handed to me to do...by working a couple of Saturday's. I'm sure things will start getting a little crazy here. But if I can just get some restful sleep, I think I'll be okay. I have a feeling that this coming weekend is going to be a little crazy.

So much to say...

I know I've really been an inconsistent blogger of late. Well today, I'm doing my part to make up for it. So, get comfortable.

SLEEP
Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm not a good sleeper. Well, Tuesday at work, I was so darn tired, I left an hour early just to go home and go to bed. I didn't get to bed until around 7pm, but I slept the better part of 12 hours. TWELVE! Who even knew there were 12 hours available in a day to sleep. But I did it. And today, I feel wonderful! I'm ready to take on the world!

WORK
Work is good. Today is the first day of September. For folks that work in the Comptroller Department (or any financial role, for that matter) for a government agency, this is when the heat is turned up. The goal is to clean up, close out, and balance every number you come across. I'm not really a financial person, per se. But I'll keep busy updating a records for the latest 'evolution'. Being a 'systems person', I can update data from the 'back end' much easier than it can be done through the user interface. So, that's where my time will be spent.

Today, the entire Comptroller Department had our end-of-year kick-off/cook-out at the Marina. Lunch was paid for by the managers and prepared by our three young, male accountants. The food was good. The weather was perfect. And then we went out for a boat ride, chauffeured by the comptroller himself. It was so nice. I love my job!

WEEKEND PLANS
After getting all that sleep, I'm ready to take on the task of painting my house. I know, it's about time! Well, the weather has been so darn pleasant. And the work has been begging to be completed. So, hopefully by the end of my 3-day weekend... The house will be painted, the falling guttering will be down, the lawn will be mowed, the weeds and other foliage around the house will be whacked down, and the carport will be orderly. It'll be a lot of work, but it definitely needs to be done. And I'm looking forward to it!

THE BOY
Monday - Jeff calls to tell me that he has another kidney stone. It's on his right side again. I can't believe that he could have developed another one since May. It was making him sick, but it seems to be moving along its little path now.
Tuesday - Jeff calls me to tell me that he's totally stressed and is ready to quit school. That's the second Tuesday in a row that I've heard that story. I told him to hang in there. I'm pretty sure his biggest stressor is that he doesn't have a job. So, I told him to expand his search.
Wednesday (today) - Jeff calls me again. (We never talked this much when we were living together.) He sounded SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday. I think it's because he's looking into on-campus employment. That will be great for him since he doesn't have a car. He won't get many hours and he may lose his job to a work-study candidate next semester. But still, it'll fit his immediate need. He also told me that while eating puppy chow last night, his tongue swelled up to fill the inside of his mouth. They think he has a peanut allergy. He's never been a fan of peanut butter, but he hasn't avoided nuts in other forms. Yet he's never shown this kind of reaction before. So, they gave him tons of Benadryl and the swelling finally went down. So, now he has to avoid peanuts. Amoxicillin and peanuts.

THEME SONG
In the spirit of Ally McBeal, I have decided that I need a theme song. I'm ashamed to say, I can't remember what Ally chose as her 'theme'. I just remember that her therapist told her that it didn't fit her at all. Ally was completely offended that this doctor person would shoot down her theme song. Well, my theme song this week is "Awaken" by Natalie Grant. It's upbeat and fun. And the first verse just hit me. It goes like this...


Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing
I'm not really living
I'm only watching the time slip away
I've forgotten who I am in You
I'm not who I'm meant to be, Lord
I'm drifting farther away from my destiny

[chorus]
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken Your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for You, Lord
Awaken me

My interpretation of a cat...

It's a good thing I'm going to work tomorrow. I haven't accomplished a darn thing all weekend long. I have been completely unmotivated, tired, an all-around lazy bum. It's shameful, really. I hope it's not going to be a habit. I feel like I've been sleeping my weekends away for weeks now. That has to stop. I have way too much to accomplish to be sleeping all weekend long. I'm hoping that with Jeff at school (reducing my need to wonder and worry about where he is and what he's doing) and work getting busy with the end of the fiscal year coming up (allowing me to be productive and to keep the days moving quickly), that my sleep patterns will level off. I'm also recommitting to taking my Reliv twice a day. That should help. And I have to make myself walk everyday. Only good things can come from that. In fact, I should go walking right now. I should get off my butt and walk for at least two miles. But I'm already in my PJ's. Actually, I'm still in my PJ's from last night. But it seems silly to change clothes now, so late in the day...right? See, that's what I'm talking about. With little to no effort (because that's about the speed I'm moving this weekend), I quickly rationalized with myself to take the lazy way out. Really...shameful! As if I needed another reason to NOT go walking, I'm afraid that increasing my endorphin levels will only prove to keep me awake tonight. And I definitely want to get a good night's sleep. In fact, I'm already negotiating when to take my Melatonin. I'll walk tomorrow. After I work. Work, then walking. I'll be productive all day tomorrow. : )