Sleep

Do you have an unexplained fear?  Something you worry about that doesn't need worried about?  I do.  I worry EVERY NIGHT that I won't get to sleep.  EVERY.NIGHT.


It could be because I've been an insomniac before, getting as little as two hours of sleep multiple nights in a row.  But that's been years ago.  I haven't fought that kind of insomnia in quite some time.


It could be because I get up at 5am to get to work by 6am.  I'm always afraid I won't get enough sleep in before my alarm goes off.  But that's usually my fault for staying up too late to watch something I think I need to watch.


It could be because I love my sleep so much... and I love my dreams so much... that I feel like I'm going to miss them if I don't get to sleep right away.  That would be sad.


But I think it all comes down to having anxiety about sleep a couple of years ago.  My depression was really bad and I was fighting bouts of anxiety every evening about getting to sleep.  It was horrible.  My whole body would shake and I'd be scared to death.  I could feel my heart rate racing in my chest.  I'd curl up into a ball and pray and cry.  Eventually it would all subside and I'd fall asleep.


I don't fight that depression and anxiety today.  Thank God!  And I even have a couple of medications that help me sleep.  One makes me tired over time, though not as much as it did when I first started taking it.  The other makes me want to fall asleep within about half an hour.  I use them both wisely.  But today, I get sleep.


So it begs the question, why do I still have this unexplainable fear about not getting to sleep EVERY NIGHT?  I can't explain it.  But as long as it doesn't dredge up the anxiety I remember from two years ago, I can handle it.


Sleep well, my friends.  I think we all deserve a good night's sleep.

Lessons Learned

I’ve struggled the last couple of days with my emotions.  I have to say, that’s the first time since early in December.  I stop short of calling it depression.  I know how my depression makes me feel so low that I have no hope.  I had hope yesterday and the day before.  I honestly think I was just stressing about circumstances.

Stress can really take it out of a person.  I got myself so worked up over a meeting that I cried…that I couldn’t stop crying.  And as you might have guessed, the meeting went off without a hitch.  I spoke my piece; I listened to all responses.  And I ultimately felt better for having done so.  So why did I let myself get all worked up to the point where I cried and felt scared?

The short answer is, “I don’t know.  I honestly have no idea.”  You’d think I’d know better by now, how to incorporate the tips and tricks Robin has taught me and use them in my everyday life.  Take a step back.  Take a deep breath or two.  Look at the big picture.  Go to my happy place if I need to.  See, feel, hear those familiar and comfortable sounds.  Center myself strong.  And pray.

But we’re talking about my job here.  It’s important to me.  Not only do I want to stay employed, I want to stay employed in the job I’m currently holding.  And I want to do it well.  I enjoy it.  But sometimes I don’t feel smart enough to do it.  I wanted everyone to know that I’m doing my best and I want to continue doing my best, knowing that my best will only get better as time goes on.  I was only concerned that maybe they weren’t willing to wait for me to get better, that maybe my best wasn’t good enough at this point in time.

But that’s not the case.  They’re happy with me.  They said as much.  So I need to NOT let my emotions get the best of me.  I need to continue to focus on what I’m doing, doing the best I can for them.  And I need to continue to take care of myself by eating right, getting enough sleep, taking my meds, and praying.

I can do my part.  I WILL do my part.  No more forgetting my morning meds over the weekends.  No more skipping lunch.  No more staying up late to watch a football game and still expecting myself to get up at 5am for work.  And it’s time to get more physical and watch what I eat.  I can effect change in my mental health.  I’m worth it.  It’s time to prove that.

What I Did During My Labor Day Weekend

I slept in three days in a row!  Now if that's not the way to spend a three-day weekend, I don't know what is.


I got to see my grandsons.  Both of them.  At the same time!  They live in two different cities.  So seeing them in the same place at the same time is a joy you can't imagine.


I got to have a meal with my mom four days in a row.  Ribs at the Lodge on Friday.  Pizza at Bobe's on Saturday.  BBQ on the grill Sunday.  And the buffet at Lakeview on Monday.  We eat well in my family.


I read.  I'm reading Janet Evanovich's "Two for the Dough" and I'm really enjoying it.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really like that Joe Morelli!


And the weather was gorgeous the whole weekend long.  I had a lovely Labor Day weekend.  I say we do it again NEXT weekend!

Ten Years

Although I've been inconsistent sometimes... Although I've simply copied and pasted sometimes... Although some of my blog posts are only seven words long... I've been blogging to Scripted Notions for ten years.  Actually, it'll be ten years next month.  But I thought that was something to be celebrated.  So celebrate with me as we take a look back at what the heck I've been talking about!


In 2008, I was complaining about an all-day headache.  I was also practicing inconsistent parenting.  I was very frustrated that day.  You can read all about it here.


In 2009, I didn't actually post on the 26th, but around that time I was complaining about being tired, sleeping my weekend away, and being a lazy bum.  You can read about that here.


In 2010, I didn't post on the 26th.  In fact, I only had one post during the entire month of August and it was my Mary Kay I-Story.  We all came up with a story that expressed why we chose to do Mary Kay.  I published mine on my blog.  I no longer do Mary Kay, but you can read about it here.


In 2011, I didn't post on the 26th, but that month, I thought I was in love.  Let me tell you this about that... I totally made up that relationship in my head.  I wanted to be in love, but I was the only one.  You can see that post here.


In 2012, it was a Sunday and I was posting about one of the readings I'd heard at mass that weekend.  So in this post, you'll read Joshua 24, Decide today whom you will serve.


In 2013, I didn't post on the 26th.  But around that time is when I decided to go gray.  I haven't colored my hair since then... and probably never will again.  See that post here.


In 2014, I didn't post on the 26th, but I was all about posting psalms at that time.  So you can read that here.


In 2015, I didn't post on the 26th, but I was rejoicing about being depression free for three months in a row.  You can read about that here.


This year, I've been depression free for over eight months.  I have a new job that I've been doing for about three months now and I'm really enjoying it.  It's very challenging, but good.  Really good, in fact.  Callan is three, sweet and smart and such a joy to be around.  Xavier is five months, growing like a week, and learning to say mama.  I just bought a new car and I'm rereading all of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum novels.  Life is good.  Life is very good in my world right now.

I can't sleep.

I overslept this morning (technically, yesterday morning).  My alarm clock was originally set for 0500.  I pushed it back to 0630, but I don't remember it going off at that time.  It's possible that I snoozed right through it.  But more likely, I doubt my cell phone recognized that I reset the alarm.  My phone is nearly three years old and gives me trouble regularly.

Anyway, I didn't wake up until closer to 1030 this morning.  I haven't slept a wink since then.  But I cannot get to sleep tonight.

My head has been hurting since around 6 or 7pm.  And even though it's feeling much better now...in that I no longer feel the need to throw up...it's still throbbing.  My stomach is also a bit upset.  Again, it was worse earlier, but is still not quite right.a

I remember that a friend of mine asked about my blood pressure during one of my previous headaches.  So I checked my BP.  Sure enough, it was a bit high at 130/90.  That bottom number gets me every time.  I've since taken it and it's back down to 122/75.  But I wonder if the headache is a BP thing or if something else is the problem.

I've been getting random headaches for about a year now.  They hurt so bad, I feel nauseous.  They seem to come out of nowhere and I can't seem to get rid of them no matter what I try.  I guess they could be migraines; I have a history of migraines.  But I'm accustomed to getting the usual early migraine symptoms:  blind spots, aura, light sensitivity, not being able to find my words.  But these headaches don't start off that way, making me think it's something different.

But eventually they go, as mysteriously as they came.  I can't explain them and am just thankful that they've passed.

I bring this up tonight because perhaps it's the headache and upset stomach that are keeping me awake tonight.  I'm not sure.  But it's 0230, Wednesday.  My alarm is again set to go off at 0500.  And even though I can't stop yawning, I can't seem to settle in enough to fall asleep.  Insomnia is so frustrating.

Tiredness

Okay, so I didn't sleep well Sunday night.  Actually, I struggled to even get to sleep.  I slept better, but not great, Monday night.  Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I felt like I slept well, but I still woke up tired and felt tired much of the day.  Then last night I woke up several times during the night.  Luckily, I was able to fall asleep every time, but I felt exhausted all day long.

It's becoming the norm for me that I rarely sleep well Sunday night and that I get more and more tired as my week drags on.  By Thursday and Friday after work, I just want to come home and take a nap!  I have got to find a way to get more sound sleep.

It's amazing how exhausting it is to yawn all day long.  I spent more time rubbing my eyes and doing full-body stretches today than I did walking.  Strangely, lack of sleep also makes me feel battered...not that I've literally been battered.  But still, sore and bruised.  I know my whole body suffers when I don't get good sleep.  And I'm getting a little tired of it!

So I'm breaking out the CPAP again.  I know, I know, I should have been using it all along.  But I can't use it when I have a head cold.  If I can't breathe through my nose, I can't use the CPAP.  So when I stopped using it this winter during my three weeks of Mucinex-induced sleep, I just never plugged it back in again.

Tonight that changes.  I've already dismantled it and cleaned it out.  I've refreshed the water that's in it.  And it's already put back together and ready for use tonight.  Hopefully I can tell a difference in the morning.  I should be able to use it nightly again...until cold season next year.

Sleep well, my friends!  I know I plan to!

Early Bedtime

Did you know that an earlier bedtime can facilitate weight-loss?  It can also result in more productive mornings.  Not to mention, there's a better opportunity to get more hours of sleep...and still get to work on time.

I worked a full day, went to the dentist, gave blood, and got a run/walk workout in.  I'm thinking this is the PERFECT day for an early bedtime!

Home Sick Today

I didn't sleep well last night.  At first, I thought that was what was making me feel so unwell.  But as the day goes by, and I've added a two-hour nap to my day, I still feel tired and not up to par.

• My head hurts a little.  It's not a headache as much as it just feels full and heavy.
• My eyes feel VERY dry.  When rubbing my eyes this morning, one of my contacts just popped out.  I didn't put it back in and removed the other one.  But still, I find myself rubbing my eyes all the time.  My eyes really only feel relief when they're closed.
• My body feels battered and bruised all over.  Every time I stand up, I feel like I've fallen down the stairs.  And unfortunately, it's keeping me from getting comfortable...whether I'm awake OR asleep.
• And I'm tired.  I'm so very tired.  Within an hour of waking up after my nap, I was tired again.  It's only 4:30pm and I already can't wait to go to bed for the night.  I'm forcing myself to stay awake until at least 6pm so that I can hopefully sleep all night long.  But forcing myself to stay awake is annoyingly frustrating.  My body is begging for sleep.

I felt perfectly fine Saturday, outside of being a little sore after Friday's workout.  And I think I felt mostly okay yesterday.  I didn't do much...sang at mass, grabbed lunch from the deli, watched basketball and NCIS all day, while reading and writing.

It wasn't until I woke up three times between midnight and dawn this morning that my body was really complaining.  I'm not liking it.  And I don't think I can last another 75 minutes before going to bed.  I'm yawning so hard, my face hurts.

I'm thinking another warm shower and another dose of Advil.  I'm not cold, but the warm water pulsating from the shower head feels really good on my sore body.  THEN I'll decide if I can stay awake for another hour or so.

Tired Baby Girl

I was so excited that nearly every morning when I woke up last week, I felt rested. It's been awhile since I've felt that good that many mornings in a row.

Well...THAT has come to an abrupt end! Today, I am a tired baby girl.

I know I stayed up too late watching the Giants beat the Cowboys. And unfortunately, I intend to watch football again tonight. The COLTS' one and only Monday Night Football game AND the two-hour premier of "House". Why on earth did those two events have to be scheduled on the same night?! Last night, I tossed and turned so much, I pulled the sheets off my bed. I don't remember having any traumatic dreams. But for some reason, my body just wasn't restful. I hope that changes for tonight.

Jeff was home for the weekend. I didn't see him much, but I'm sure he was there. We went to dinner Friday night at Los Bravos. Just like old times. We sat and talked for about half an hour after we'd stopped eating. Then he went to the volleyball game and I went home to veg out. He got home after I'd gone to bed. Saturday, I worked all day and then went to an Emmaus Candlelight. Jeff slept until noon and then hung out with friends until well after I was in bed. Sunday, I sang at mass with the choir while Jeff slept in. We did spend the afternoon together...at my parents'. We had dinner with them before Jeff headed back to school. So, we shared a couple of meals. He seems to be doing well. And I think he enjoyed his weekend home.

It's September 21st. That means we have less than ten days of the fiscal year left to get everything ready for the next fiscal year. So far, so good. I've been able to keep up with everything that's been handed to me to do...by working a couple of Saturday's. I'm sure things will start getting a little crazy here. But if I can just get some restful sleep, I think I'll be okay. I have a feeling that this coming weekend is going to be a little crazy.

So much to say...

I know I've really been an inconsistent blogger of late. Well today, I'm doing my part to make up for it. So, get comfortable.

SLEEP
Anyone who knows me at all knows that I'm not a good sleeper. Well, Tuesday at work, I was so darn tired, I left an hour early just to go home and go to bed. I didn't get to bed until around 7pm, but I slept the better part of 12 hours. TWELVE! Who even knew there were 12 hours available in a day to sleep. But I did it. And today, I feel wonderful! I'm ready to take on the world!

WORK
Work is good. Today is the first day of September. For folks that work in the Comptroller Department (or any financial role, for that matter) for a government agency, this is when the heat is turned up. The goal is to clean up, close out, and balance every number you come across. I'm not really a financial person, per se. But I'll keep busy updating a records for the latest 'evolution'. Being a 'systems person', I can update data from the 'back end' much easier than it can be done through the user interface. So, that's where my time will be spent.

Today, the entire Comptroller Department had our end-of-year kick-off/cook-out at the Marina. Lunch was paid for by the managers and prepared by our three young, male accountants. The food was good. The weather was perfect. And then we went out for a boat ride, chauffeured by the comptroller himself. It was so nice. I love my job!

WEEKEND PLANS
After getting all that sleep, I'm ready to take on the task of painting my house. I know, it's about time! Well, the weather has been so darn pleasant. And the work has been begging to be completed. So, hopefully by the end of my 3-day weekend... The house will be painted, the falling guttering will be down, the lawn will be mowed, the weeds and other foliage around the house will be whacked down, and the carport will be orderly. It'll be a lot of work, but it definitely needs to be done. And I'm looking forward to it!

THE BOY
Monday - Jeff calls to tell me that he has another kidney stone. It's on his right side again. I can't believe that he could have developed another one since May. It was making him sick, but it seems to be moving along its little path now.
Tuesday - Jeff calls me to tell me that he's totally stressed and is ready to quit school. That's the second Tuesday in a row that I've heard that story. I told him to hang in there. I'm pretty sure his biggest stressor is that he doesn't have a job. So, I told him to expand his search.
Wednesday (today) - Jeff calls me again. (We never talked this much when we were living together.) He sounded SO MUCH BETTER than yesterday. I think it's because he's looking into on-campus employment. That will be great for him since he doesn't have a car. He won't get many hours and he may lose his job to a work-study candidate next semester. But still, it'll fit his immediate need. He also told me that while eating puppy chow last night, his tongue swelled up to fill the inside of his mouth. They think he has a peanut allergy. He's never been a fan of peanut butter, but he hasn't avoided nuts in other forms. Yet he's never shown this kind of reaction before. So, they gave him tons of Benadryl and the swelling finally went down. So, now he has to avoid peanuts. Amoxicillin and peanuts.

THEME SONG
In the spirit of Ally McBeal, I have decided that I need a theme song. I'm ashamed to say, I can't remember what Ally chose as her 'theme'. I just remember that her therapist told her that it didn't fit her at all. Ally was completely offended that this doctor person would shoot down her theme song. Well, my theme song this week is "Awaken" by Natalie Grant. It's upbeat and fun. And the first verse just hit me. It goes like this...


Sometimes I feel like I'm just existing
I'm not really living
I'm only watching the time slip away
I've forgotten who I am in You
I'm not who I'm meant to be, Lord
I'm drifting farther away from my destiny

[chorus]
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
Awaken Your power and take control
Awaken the passion to live for You, Lord
Awaken me

My interpretation of a cat...

It's a good thing I'm going to work tomorrow. I haven't accomplished a darn thing all weekend long. I have been completely unmotivated, tired, an all-around lazy bum. It's shameful, really. I hope it's not going to be a habit. I feel like I've been sleeping my weekends away for weeks now. That has to stop. I have way too much to accomplish to be sleeping all weekend long. I'm hoping that with Jeff at school (reducing my need to wonder and worry about where he is and what he's doing) and work getting busy with the end of the fiscal year coming up (allowing me to be productive and to keep the days moving quickly), that my sleep patterns will level off. I'm also recommitting to taking my Reliv twice a day. That should help. And I have to make myself walk everyday. Only good things can come from that. In fact, I should go walking right now. I should get off my butt and walk for at least two miles. But I'm already in my PJ's. Actually, I'm still in my PJ's from last night. But it seems silly to change clothes now, so late in the day...right? See, that's what I'm talking about. With little to no effort (because that's about the speed I'm moving this weekend), I quickly rationalized with myself to take the lazy way out. Really...shameful! As if I needed another reason to NOT go walking, I'm afraid that increasing my endorphin levels will only prove to keep me awake tonight. And I definitely want to get a good night's sleep. In fact, I'm already negotiating when to take my Melatonin. I'll walk tomorrow. After I work. Work, then walking. I'll be productive all day tomorrow. : )

A little of this, a little of that

I haven't been sleeping well this week. That is not unusual for me. But by the end of the week, like today, I really start to feel the ramifications of sleep-deprivation. All day long I have imagined curling up in my bed. Unfortunately for me, as soon as I leave the office, I'll be blissfully anticipating bedtime. That's not a good thing when I have a 17 mile commute ahead me. So, once I force my eyes open for the duration of the trip home, my plan is to mow the ditch side of my house (the pain in the butt that I've put off the last two nights). Then I'll cool off with some Linus time, make myself pasta for dinner, and have a glass of wine. Wine ALWAYS puts me to sleep. Begs the question, why don't I simply drink a glass of wine EVERY night? Hmmm, good question. Perhaps I should do just that. Tonight, I intend to sleep VERY well...for at least eight hours.

I got a new PC at work yesterday. The excitement of getting a brand-new computer system that's shiny and fast is always tempered by the frustrating process of transitioning from the old to the new. You have to pull all of the data off the old machine and get it to the correct place on the new machine. You have to ensure the new machine has all the programs that you need to do your job. If not, you have to make arrangements to get those installed. You have to be able to connect to every online application and database that you used to connect to. You have to recreate your short-cuts and favorites and all those configuration settings that make it more convenient to do your job. Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Long story, short...it took me nearly all day just to get access to my email! But after a bit of frustration, I think I'm up and running now.

Okay, so I drank my Reliv shakes religiously the first week. And I was feeling pretty good. This week, I haven't had the first one. Why not? Uhhh, I really don't have a good answer for that one. I'll work on it. I also have been really slacking on my walking lately. But last night and the night before, I got in pretty good cardio workouts just mowing the lawn. I don't have much more to mow tonight in order to finish, but it will be a bit of a workout. That's three days in a row of physical exertion. That's so much better than the three days prior.

I am now half way through Deuteronomy. I'm nearly done reading the Pentateuch. WooHoo! Slowly making my way through the Old Testament.

OH! And I ran over a snake while I was mowing last night. He (I'm assuming it was male by the look on his face) was only about 12-15" long, skinny, and black with red markings. At first I thought it was just another stick that fell from one of the trees during the last bit of wind. But when he jumped up as I ran over his back end, I had to jump back. I was freaked out a little bit. But I didn't let that stop me from mowing. I think the mower did a bit of damage to him...though not enough to kill the thing. But I kept an eye on him as I finished up the back yard.


I just re-read this post. I used the word BIT often. Do I always do that?

Random Stuff

1. Today, I slept in. I LOVE to sleep in. I know I've mentioned this tid-bit of information before. But I cannot stress enough how much I LOVE to sleep in. I'm sure it's because I'm not a good sleeper. Sometimes I toss and turn for hours only to fall into a deep sleep less than two hours before my alarm goes off. So, I LOVE IT when I don't set an alarm at all. ...when I don't have anything planned that I HAVE to get up for. ...when I GET TO SLEEP IN! Today was one of those days. And I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be too. Wow, it's like Christmas!

2. I'm finally finishing my PM201E course. It's an online Project Management course that I'm taking through SAIC. I was supposed to finish it in 42 days (six weeks). But I got a late start (totally my fault, just kept putting it off). And then I requested an extension (which I can do once) because Jeff was in the hospital during the last 3-4 days that I would have been working on this course. THEN when he got out of the hospital, he had TONS of homework and studying to do in order to QUALIFY to graduate the following week. THEN I had Relay for Life to deal with. So, I've finally been back at work on this for the last few days. I should finish up by Monday. Good thing too since I HAVE to be done by the end of Wednesday.

I took PM101E last year and finished in 29 days. So far, 201E is taking more than twice as long. Ugh! But I AM finishing it. WooHoo!

3. One day this week as I was walking out to my car at work, I noticed a turtle right behind my rear tire. I did NOT want to learn whether or not a turtle shell could withstand the weight of my Grand Prix by backing up over this small turtle, so I politely asked him to move. He proceeded to back up under my car. I was afraid that I'd still run over him, so I picked him up and moved him myself. He didn't seem to mind, in that he wasn't yelling at me. (Do turtles talk?) But he did quickly pack himself nicely into his little shell home...all four legs and his little head. I moved him close to a tree in the shade. There was NO WAY he was going to be quick enough to dart out in front of my car from there. By the way, I LOVE turtles!

4. Was this an absolutely gorgeous day in southern Indiana or what?! Just beautiful!

So, I got to sleep in. I got to enjoy some of this beautiful day. I am being productive and successful with this PM course and I'm thrilled and excited that I'm nearly done with it.

5. But on the other hand, I am so angry. With Jeff. Again. In addition to the traffic laws that I insist he obey, I have one other rule when he takes my car: NO SMOKING IN MY CAR! I hate him smoking at all, but I DO NOT want him doing it in my car. It makes my eyes water. I hate the smell. I just don't like it. I've accused him of smoking in my car before. Either it smells a lot like smoke or it smells a lot like whatever he might have sprayed to cover up any smoke smell. He blames it on the fact that they were at the bowling alley and picked up the smoke in their clothes while there. But last night, I KNOW he was smoking in my car. Not only are there ashes all over the door, he BURNED A HOLE IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT. When I asked him about it, he didn't say a word. He didn't apologize. He didn't make excuses. Nothing. NOTHING! But I know that he knows he's done wrong. When I told him he wouldn't be driving for a long time, he didn't even argue with me. And that is SO not like him.

6. AND my heart is just breaking for the Matthews family. After enduring a REALLY bad accident a few years ago and recovering through that, Bob falls and dies this past week. (I don't know any details really.) He's the same age as my mom. Young, if you ask me. And what's worse, this is the second husband that his wife has lost to death. How tragic is that?! God bless the Matthews family.