Monday, January 25, 2010

Stop the World; I Wanna Get Off!

I have been crazy busy this month. Between work and Jeff and this benefit that I'm helping to organize and my MK, I've been a busy girl. Well, guess what...busy isn't really agreeing with me lately.
I'm losing my patience...with pretty much everyone. I'm overly critical...about pretty much everything. I'm argumentative and defensive in any number of situations. I'm regularly on the verge of tears...I KNOW you've noticed! I'm in NO mood for anything new. And I do mean ANYTHING. If one more person gives me one more thing to do, I'm pretty sure my head will pop right off my shoulders. I know I'm not being my best self. And I hate it!

I know it's gotten to a 'critical point' because I'm trying to isolate myself as much as I can. I hole up in my home (or my car) and ignore my phone and just hope that no one knocks on my door. My brain needs a break. My body needs a break. My whole self...yeah, you guessed it...needs a break.

Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury right now. I need to work and I have plenty to do there. If I could just get a good night's sleep, work would actually be a haven, as I would be able to be productive and successful and have something to feel good about. Unfortunately, when I'm stressed, sleep doesn't come easily.

Jeff is a constant concern for me. I worry about him regularly; I don't expect that to change.

This Benefit doesn't happen until Saturday. Six more days. But wow, Friday and Saturday will be HELLA-busy. I hope to sleep ALL DAY Sunday. (On a positive note, I really think it's coming together. But I'll feel SO much better after we've raised thousands of dollars!)

And I've all but put my MK on hold, just trying to keep up with everything else.

I know if I could just sleep, the speed of life would be much more manageable. Ahhh, sleep. My long, lost friend.

So, I've decided that what I need is a good book and a GREAT night's sleep. So, when I get home tonight, I'm going to the library to check out a book I've never read before. TOTAL FICTION. Something that takes my mind completely out of my world and lets me live the life and times of some made-up character for a little while. I'm going to have a light dinner, which will include two Melatonin. Then I'll head to bed with my library book and try to forget about life for awhile. Hopefully sleep will come easier tonight than it did last night.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Happy Birthday, Jeff!

Nineteen years ago today, I gave birth to a bouncing baby boy.
You can read more about it here.
At the time, I was a co-worker who looked good in 'blues'. I was active duty in the Air Force. I was young and naïve, yet not at all afraid of motherhood. I was in GREAT shape (as most active duty military members are). I was living in an apartment in Colorado Springs, just a block off Academy Blvd and Austin Bluffs (lots of traffic, lots of noise, lots of life going on). I wasn't much for being active in my community, but I was in my unit and my church. I was living one day at a time and enjoying it. And on this day nineteen years ago, I could spend hours staring at the marvel of the tiniest fingers I had ever seen.

My, how times change.
Today, I'm single...divorced actually...and haven't spoken to my ex in eight months. And I have no intention of ever speaking with him again. I also have no intention of dating a co-worker, let alone marrying one! Even at 39, I still think I act pretty young most of the time. But I am far from naïve. I'm battle worn and experienced and cautious. That comes with raising a teenager, I'm told. Speaking of, I have no intention of having any more children. I'm no where near "in shape"...well, except to say that round is a shape. I am buying a home that I hate everything about (especially it's proximity to the high school) and I don't take very good care of it as a result (shame on me; I really need to change that). But except for having to hear all the kids partying in the high school parking lot, life is pretty quiet in my neck of the woods. I am active in my community and my church. And my faith is much stronger than it was back then. Good thing too, because I rely on it a lot!

And the thing that amazes me most about my son now? he practically defines the fine line between charming and manipulative, he can be so smart yet so confused about where to go and what to do with his life, ...and how he has no problem putting forth effort getting OUT of responsibility instead of just DOING whatever is expected of him.

Sorry, Jeff. I call 'em like I see 'em.

He's still my very favorite Jeff in the whole wide world. Maybe even the universe! He IS smart. And can be very sweet and charming. He's so witty and makes me laugh. I love that! He has more potential than he realizes. And I have no doubt that one day he's going to set the world on least his little corner of it.

I'm looking forward to those days. I believe he'll get there. I just have no idea when.

Happy Birthday, Son-ray! I hope you have a great one!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

It's the 9th

Some highlights of my no particular order.

1. Peyton Manning was voted MVP again. FOURTH time. He got 39 1/2 votes out of 50. Pretty cool. The only four-time MVP winner in the NFL. That's gotta feel pretty affirming. I can't imagine being that good at what I do. I'm so glad he plays for my team. GO COLTS!

2. I also heard an interview on Thy Word Network this morning with our 'new' kicker, Matt Stover. He's been in the NFL for TWENTY years, but has only been with the Colts since Vinatieri got injured. I was very impressed. I'm a new fan! Anyone who gives God all the glory and bases all decisions (personal and professional) on God's will is a good guy in my book.

3. I don't know if you noticed, but the sun is shining! The temps are still only barely up to double digits. But the day seems so much more friendly with blue skies and sunshine. Personally, I don't mind winter and snow and such. I'm not one of those silly people who lives in the Midwest and then complains about cold air and snow IN JANUARY. That's like someone living in Seattle and complaining about the rain. Four seasons every year...that's why we live here. That's why I love it here! Nevertheless, after a few days without sun, I welcome it back with a smile.

4. I got my hair cut today. It was way past due. I like it. Nothing fancy, just shorter. I didn't like my last haircut, but I have to say, I'm happy with this one. Now I need to try to cover up the gray. I'm thinking Medium Ash Brown.

5. Today I also bought a pair of sunglasses. I haven't worn sunglasses in quite some time. Sure I had those things that clipped onto my eyeglasses. But I'm wearing contacts again...since about three weeks ago. With the snow on the ground and the sun shining, I decided it was a good day to purchase some shades. I feel so cool.

6. Today's message from the Message From God application on Facebook:

"On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know... that circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you."
I think I'll write that one in my calendar and read it regularly.