Monday, May 18, 2015

After the Storm

I thought maybe after crashing on Friday, I'd have it out of my system for the week and perhaps my Sunday would be stress free.  Nice thought.  Didn't happen that way.

I had a painful crash yesterday.  My counselor told me to plan something for yesterday that would take my mind off things and give me a better chance of staying in a positive head space.  But once I was in the throws of a depressive episode, I wouldn't have gone though with any plans I'd made... not that I made any.

Yesterday was traumatic, worse than the last couple of Sundays.  But unlike the last couple of weeks, I'm doing much better on this Monday.  I find myself being very cautious with my words and actions.  I don't want to misrepresent my emotional status today.  And I don't want to jinx myself into another bad Monday.  So although I'm not treading on solid ground, I'm doing much better than expected, MUCH better than yesterday, and better than the previous two Mondays.

I don't know how those chemicals in my head can be so out of whack on Friday (and get there so fast), be perfectly fine on Saturday, be at their worst on Sunday, and already be in the healing process on Monday.  The fact is, I NEVER know where my head is going to be.  And even though my counselor says that I have control over what's going on in my head, I just don't believe it.  In fact, he told me last week that I create the anxiety in my head.  So another reason to beat myself up... it's all my fault!  Not helping.

He's told me MANY, MANY times in the past that my emotional stability will be affected by what I eat, think, say, how much sleep I get, how much exercise I get, and what/who I surround myself with.  But I assure you, I did nothing between yesterday and today... except sleep 4 1/2 hours... to help myself feel better today.  I did nothing between Friday and Saturday to make myself feel better... except maybe leaving the office.

I think it's luck.  Flat out luck.  Sometimes I get lucky and everything in my head is working well.  And sometimes I don't, and everything in my head is a hurricane.  I wish I had control of it.  I wish even my $903 worth of meds every month had control of it.  But I think it's luck.

But just like navigating the water puddles after a storm, I'm making it through my Monday without tears, without anxiety, and without much depression at all.  And I thank God for the blessing.

Then he said to all, "If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."  Luke 9:23

I've been meaning to type this update for weeks and just didn't know how I wanted to word it, how much I wanted to share.  But I mention in this post that I crashed on Friday the 15th, was up on Saturday, was way down on Sunday, and that I was doing better than expected on Monday (when I typed the above post).  Well, on Tuesday, I was ready to end it all.  Tuesday the 19th was the worst day I've had since last fall sometime.  And it was horrible.  I never want another day like that ever.  It took me a few days to recover from that really bad day.  And ever since then... I've been great.  GREAT!  Freakin' chemicals in my brain...  Updated 7/7/15

No comments: