Sunday, September 27, 2015

It's Still Depressing

There are lots of things I could say about depression, none of them all that positive.  One thing's for sure, it's unpredictable.  So I thought I was feeling better, and expecting to improve from there.  I was wrong.  I've been wrong a lot lately.

I felt much better Tuesday just talking to my counselor on the phone, knowing that I was getting my meds refilled.  I told him that he was a true life line for me.  The sound of his voice, the words he uses... it gave me a light at the end of this long, lonely tunnel.

But by Friday I was exhausted.  I was still recovering from the depressive episode.  And I was teaching ERP at the same time.  Faking it in front of a classroom was actually a good distraction.  But it's exhausting.  Being emotional is exhausting.  My counselor has told me that being emotional is five times more work on the mind and body than using the intellectual side of the brain.  I can vouch for that.  So when I got home from work Friday, I took a nap... for three hours.

Saturday, I was looking forward to my appointment with my counselor.  I was thinking of it as an emotional reboot.  He'd help me put things into perspective, remind me many times that this is temporary, and give me a positive take on things.  He'd also give me a list of things to do to help keep me in a more positive place.  Lucky for me, all of that was true.  He gave me homework.  And he wants to see me again next week.  I left feeling better and looking forward to feeling even better as the week went on.

I then had lunch with Jeff.  That went really well too.  I talked about a few things going on in my world.  He talked about a few things going on in his.  It was really nice getting together with him.  The only thing left on my schedule for the day was mass and dinner with the folks.  An emotionally successful Saturday.

Wrong!  Within minutes of walking into the church, I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally down.  I don't know why.  But I wanted to leave.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to cringe.  But I stayed.  And by the time I left, I could hardly fight back the tears.  I cancelled on my parents for dinner and came straight home and cocooned myself in my apartment and couldn't wait to just fall asleep.

So here I am on my Sunday.  I knew I needed to do my laundry, which I need to leave my apartment to do.  My counselor has told me many times that depression will make me feel like doing nothing, but to do something anyway.  So I got up and gathered the laundry and made my way to the laundromat.  It would have been okay had I been there all alone.  But I wasn't.  And even still, I was nearly okay until the screaming baby came in.  I'm not even going to tell you what I imagined doing to that small, unhappy child... or her mother!

Thankfully I'm home alone now.  I've had lunch and the laundry is done.  That in itself is a victory.  And I got to read some today.  I always say that any day where I got to read fiction was a good day.  And now I'm writing.  And in a little bit, I'm going to watch a football game.  Now if the Colts could just win one.  Maybe my day would feel worth it if my team actually won a football game.

How sad that I'm hanging the success of this day on whether or not 'the most disappointing team of the year so far' can win a football game.  Unfortunately, win or lose, my depression will still be with me.  And then I get to go back to work tomorrow... feeling like this.  It's so hard to look forward to anything.  That alone is depressing.

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