Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Overcast - Chance of Rain

So I was on vacation last week.  I didn't necessarily have anything specific to do or anywhere exciting to go.  I just knew I'd been working long days and thought a break would do me good.  I felt I'd earned it.

And I thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I slept in a lot.  I read a whole book in five days.  I did some housework that I'd been wanting to get done.  I spent a couple of days in Evansville with a few family members.  I even ate an amazing Italian lunch at Biaggi's.  I wouldn't have changed a thing.  It was lovely!

But I was truly hoping to completely refresh and renew my frame of mind in coming back to the office.  My plan was to have a whole new outlook and attitude with respect to work.

The fact is, I'm not at all dealing well with the dichotomy between what I hoped for and reality.  I've been so frustrated and angry these last two days that I could cry.  I've seriously been on the brink of tears several times.

It's not that anything at work is any worse than it's ever been.  I'm more saddened by my inability to deal with things better.  Moreover, I was hoping to OVERCOME the feelings of frustration.  I mean, I'd just come off vacation for heaven's sake.  I should have a whole new energy to side step the petty little things (and not so petty things) that bothered me before.  But I don't have that energy.  I'm not overcoming anything.  I'm obviously worked up.

You want to know something else?  (I'm assuming you said yes to that question.)  I've had an issue lately with my heart rate being really high.  When I went to give blood on the 13th of August, I was turned away because my initial heart rate was at 118 beats per minute and it only went down to 104 beats per minute after a ten minute focus on relaxing.  I've since been keeping track of my blood pressure and heart rate.  The lowest my heart rate has been in the last two weeks is 88, but it's averaged 102.

Since my depression has been so much better, I'm wondering if my mind, body, and soul are simply dealing with stress in a different way.  No more depressive episodes, but an over-worked heart.

I should also add that I take a medication for high blood pressure.  I've had an elevated BP a few times, but mostly it's good.  Strangely, the higher my BP is, the better my heart rate is.  (Or maybe that's not strange to someone who knows what that means.  But it was strange to me.  I expected them both to be bad equally.)

Anyway, so my weather/mood today is overcast with a chance of rain.  But I'm pretty sure I'm causing my own adverse weather (see picture above).  Here's hoping for sunshinier days ahead.

By the way, I was able to successfully give blood this past Friday, the 28th.  My heart rate was only 96 beats per minute.  So I got that in for the quarter.

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