I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. -- Bob Monkhouse
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker. -- Homer Simpson
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing-after they have tried everything else. -- Winston Churchill
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say when. -- P. G. Wodehouse
I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks. -- Emo Phillips